The "Fall" Back

As I look into Autumn and the full scale of the season, I can't help but think about the different things that have set me back from going forward. The times when I felt shameful of who I was becoming. The times I felt unworthy of a loving family. The times I felt as if this desire I have is not worth fighting for. The times I felt as if the dryness will never be quenched. The times I felt this list of setbacks will go on and on. Like Sir Issac Newton, the ambiguous apple that fell on his head and it spring forward a cascade of thoughts leading him to think of himself in the world filled with what we called today:"gravity".

Sometimes I wonder if that apple never fell on Sir Issac Newton's head, will the concept of gravity still exist? The answer I came to known is: "OF COURSE, Katie, the concept of gravity has always existed but it wasn't until we defined it and made it understood to our little brains that it became significant to us to understand the world around us." So who are we to define what we want to know and what is made unknown to us?

My mind is small and I believe that the beauty within that is the expansion of it through time

. more and more . 

God is beyond my understanding but each day I find a little more of Him as He fills my small mind 

. again and again . 

So, why do I still feel as if I am setting myself back? 

Because I am filling my small mind with who I think I can be and who I think I should be.

more and more I think, I lose who I know I am. 

again and again God remind me what He thinks of me. 

Each day, I have to remember who is my healer, why I am more deserving of LOVE, what makes me proud of myself, how to keep fighting and ultimately who defines me. 

So, more and more as we fall back lets keep opening our small minds to Him again and again. 

Love , 

Katie Liang 

The Journey of my OCD case part 2: Frustration's Victory

Today marks the 1 year point of my weird OCD (OsteoChondritis Dissecans) case! This is the second part of the three part blogpost about my journey. I mention prior that I will document from the beginning to my last day of physical therapy which at that time was only 8 weeks more weeks. As of today, the last day of physical therapy was 6 months ago ! Throughout this journey, I felt very frustrated. There were times when I felt lonely and not at ease with the world.

 Frustration is something that stings and leave you wondering where it came from. There's no specific mark but a cascade of emotions. As for all of us, well maybe just me, but dealing with emotions gets overwhelming and scary. The thought that I am capable of expressing a color-wheel of emotions was very daunting. At times, I felt as if everyone around me just did not understand why I was taking a LONG few months to recover. Yes, everyone's body is different and healing process is different. Yet, I felt as if each day I wake up nothing has improved. In my head, I was giving explanations to everyone around me on why my ankle is the way it was. & that lead to more frustration within me. It was rough. I admit there were times I just did not have any motivation to wake up and crutch my way to class or even explain what happened to me. I gave in to everything that I told myself I would not do. Yup, that's when my frustration stirred up. The feeling of being a failure because I was disobedient or the feeling of being a failure because I lost track of my purpose. I was not sure which one was the mark of the sting. 

through and through, I continue to embrace this color of frustration. I learn that I can't hide from what I am feeling. Yes, I always find happiness and find a reason to smile but that does not mean I can't experience any negative emotions. I can be define as a very joyful person but the main reason comes from embracing all the other aspects and choosing to be happy and to be filled with joy. At the end of the day, I know that Victory is won already. I know who resides in me and I am confident that He will bring me the comfort in the time of my need and show me who has done it all. There's no more hiding under the covers of my bed but constantly being clothe by His Grace.

 

That's what I called FRUSTRATION'S VICTORY.