Ending in the best way I know, smiles & love

Ending with a bigger smile and a bigger reason to love 

By the end of the four years at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, I have came to terms that these were the best four years of my life thus far. The amount of genuine people I have met in such a small square-foot is beyond my comprehension yet it is my reality. Graduation week was super emotional. The hectic of finishing up my last experiment with Candice to taking pictures with multiple groups of friends to end the school year. There was a bigger reason to love because they have shown me more love that I do not deserve. The craziness thing I realize as I look back at my old graduation pictures from 8th grade and high school, my smile got bigger and fuller. It might be from the little extra weight I put on (opps) but I am shocked how I look happier in such a different sense. My definition of happiness has definitely changed with this smile. "...for the Joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10. 

My favorite pictures from graduation 

take heart

"Take heart, that no matter what happens, the faith that I have known is through the uncircumcised faith. It is a pure faith of being able to believe in the promise of God that He indeed sent a Savior for my sin. That this faith I have is not made of others but of my own relationship of who Christ is in my life. There should not be any comparison of what is made true to me towards this faith given to me. Remember to keep believing this faith that is found in the beginning." Romans

beauty of imperfections

The Beauty of Imperfections //

The beauty of imperfections open spaces. For forgiveness and acceptance. For acknowledging and embracing. Even happiness is flawed with its rough edges. The beauty of imperfection open a space for love. For love that overcomes. For love for the unloved. For love for humility. For love that is waiting to pour down from above. Stare in the eye of the perfect to see the reflection of love He holds. That is us. 

The little voice in our heads as we condemn every part of our physical being is real. 

How can we change that voice of condemnation to acceptance? 

It is with a heart full of the word of truth and a heart of complacency.  Sometimes we hear the little voice speak of what deem to be our reality that we lose sight of the truth. The two very defined and interchangeable words of reality and truth can be caught wrapped inside a beautiful sentence. Conflating of the two words is often done by the "ordinary" and the "avoidance". Hiding the truth within the reality is done to blindly show its coexistence.  With all of the little voices of our different realities racing through our thoughts, what is the truth that defines us? What are the thoughts that should be shaping us to accept our true self than the reality that seems to real towards us for us? 

To uncover the truth buried under our realities, it begins with differentiating the words. To tune our little voice inside of us, we need to understand that truth is the ultimate and only reality. It is the final say, the last verdict. Reality shifts from person to person through their perception but the truth flows to shine light amongst the falsehood of reality. It comes to "shine some light" on our reality, to prevail its truth. The truth brings redemption while the core of reality is full of deceptions.

Hold on to me...

Hold on, 

Hold on to me , 

Cause I'm a little unsteady, 

A little unsteady, 

...

If you love me, don't let go,

If you love me, don't let go .

- Unsteady by X Ambassadors 

Forgive, forget and forward. Forgive is termed for becoming vulnerable again. Forget is used to justify the pain. Forward.. well that's where I am stuck. These terms speaks louder when we are at a stage where we want to stay trapped but the current of resistance is no longer strong enough. I'm trapped. I feel stuck. I have faced the piercing vulnerability by forgiving. The dagger that left my heart left a wound. A wound marked as the bullseye. Everything leads to the dead center and ready to seize where once the blade fits. I had to let it go, to become unsteady. Or it would have penetrate deeper as time decays and rust what's left of this uncleaned heart. So I let vulnerability win over resistance to enter the window of healing. Justification comes to ease and coat the void but not to fill. As the vulnerability springs, strength is built and love is found again as I have nothing that holds me back. But...

Forward.. why do I still feel a little unsteady? It is forgiven and forgot, yet forward becomes backwards. I come back to a place of desire. I seek again the hopelessness. I look down again at the shatter pieces. I cling to the broken edge of this fainted picture. And I say again , if you love me don't let go. 

The "Fall" Back

As I look into Autumn and the full scale of the season, I can't help but think about the different things that have set me back from going forward. The times when I felt shameful of who I was becoming. The times I felt unworthy of a loving family. The times I felt as if this desire I have is not worth fighting for. The times I felt as if the dryness will never be quenched. The times I felt this list of setbacks will go on and on. Like Sir Issac Newton, the ambiguous apple that fell on his head and it spring forward a cascade of thoughts leading him to think of himself in the world filled with what we called today:"gravity".

Sometimes I wonder if that apple never fell on Sir Issac Newton's head, will the concept of gravity still exist? The answer I came to known is: "OF COURSE, Katie, the concept of gravity has always existed but it wasn't until we defined it and made it understood to our little brains that it became significant to us to understand the world around us." So who are we to define what we want to know and what is made unknown to us?

My mind is small and I believe that the beauty within that is the expansion of it through time

. more and more . 

God is beyond my understanding but each day I find a little more of Him as He fills my small mind 

. again and again . 

So, why do I still feel as if I am setting myself back? 

Because I am filling my small mind with who I think I can be and who I think I should be.

more and more I think, I lose who I know I am. 

again and again God remind me what He thinks of me. 

Each day, I have to remember who is my healer, why I am more deserving of LOVE, what makes me proud of myself, how to keep fighting and ultimately who defines me. 

So, more and more as we fall back lets keep opening our small minds to Him again and again. 

Love , 

Katie Liang 

The Journey of my OCD case part 2: Frustration's Victory

Today marks the 1 year point of my weird OCD (OsteoChondritis Dissecans) case! This is the second part of the three part blogpost about my journey. I mention prior that I will document from the beginning to my last day of physical therapy which at that time was only 8 weeks more weeks. As of today, the last day of physical therapy was 6 months ago ! Throughout this journey, I felt very frustrated. There were times when I felt lonely and not at ease with the world.

 Frustration is something that stings and leave you wondering where it came from. There's no specific mark but a cascade of emotions. As for all of us, well maybe just me, but dealing with emotions gets overwhelming and scary. The thought that I am capable of expressing a color-wheel of emotions was very daunting. At times, I felt as if everyone around me just did not understand why I was taking a LONG few months to recover. Yes, everyone's body is different and healing process is different. Yet, I felt as if each day I wake up nothing has improved. In my head, I was giving explanations to everyone around me on why my ankle is the way it was. & that lead to more frustration within me. It was rough. I admit there were times I just did not have any motivation to wake up and crutch my way to class or even explain what happened to me. I gave in to everything that I told myself I would not do. Yup, that's when my frustration stirred up. The feeling of being a failure because I was disobedient or the feeling of being a failure because I lost track of my purpose. I was not sure which one was the mark of the sting. 

through and through, I continue to embrace this color of frustration. I learn that I can't hide from what I am feeling. Yes, I always find happiness and find a reason to smile but that does not mean I can't experience any negative emotions. I can be define as a very joyful person but the main reason comes from embracing all the other aspects and choosing to be happy and to be filled with joy. At the end of the day, I know that Victory is won already. I know who resides in me and I am confident that He will bring me the comfort in the time of my need and show me who has done it all. There's no more hiding under the covers of my bed but constantly being clothe by His Grace.

 

That's what I called FRUSTRATION'S VICTORY.

To Relive a Moment

The harder I want to relive a moment the more it fades. Ever tried remembering a dream only to find multiple frames combined or pieces of the frame slowly dissolving? Similarly, trying to relive a moment only distort the memories. 

To paint a picture depends on the surroundings, the emotions and the type of paints or canvas. After hours to days of devoting time to create something of that time, the painting is complete. If we were to go back a year from then to add a different stroke of paint, we will end up with two completely different masterpiece. Similarly, to create a moment involves the surroundings, the emotions and the type of people. If we were to relive the moment again, it will only feel as if we are creating a new memory on top of what we wanted to "relive". In the end, we are only creating a new layer filled with how we feel now and adding it on to how we felt then. This is what I like to call, "taking away from its originalbeauty".So...

starting today, I promised myself to take time and soak in everything that is happening knowing that this moment in my life will vanish forever and will be impossible to reproduce. 

Destination: San Francisco, the Bay area. 

Exactly three years ago, I travelled by plane for the first time in America.  If you like being in the city and enjoy the wonders of nature, the Bay Area is definitely a place worth traveling to. This trip was an excuse to get out of Chicago to go visit our cousin who was expecting a baby girl soon! We were able to explore the city of San Fran. and enjoyed the amazing view of the ocean from it's steep hills. We headed south to San Jose and Santa Cruz to experience the boardwalk lifestyle and hike up mountains of trees to capture nature's hidden gems. After three years, thinking back makes me want to relive these moments over and over. As I look at these pictures of my family and myself, I know things are completely different now which makes these moments extremely precious. Thank you California for teaching me how to soak into the most valuable time of my life. 

Where is a place where you think has taught you the most? 

Continue to travel! 

Love,

Katie L.